Walking through the storm side by side

 This past year has been so hard in so many ways...the physical toll of pain that keeps me from eating and sleeping, the malnourishment, but in many ways the emotional toll has been much harder. Many of you have been reading my blog for most of Alex's life so some of this may bring back memories of those extremely hard years. Alex and I spent most of the years from the age of 3-11 living in and out of the hospital, Alex battling for his life. The fear, the stress and the isolation of living with a fatally ill child cannot be described. If you ask anyone who has a medically fragile child, they will tell you that in the darkest of times you learn who your true friends are. Those years of Alex and then Maddy fighting a life-threatening disease were some of the hardest of my life. But those years changed who I am at my core. They changed my perspective on what is important. And they made me aware of what true friendship looks like. I no longer want easy, surface level friendships. I want friends who will walk through all seasons of life with me. I can name many friends who showed me (and the kids) what selfless love and friendship look like, but none more so than my friendship with Missy. In September of 2010, Alex was so, so sick. He had an illness that was causing fevers over 105 that wouldn't come down no matter what we did and nonstop seizures. Missy and Samuel arrived at the hospital for an MRI, but Samuel contracted an infection that landed them inpatient as well. The boys were in side-by-side rooms as Missy and I took turns checking on each other and supporting each other as we had hundreds of other times. Samuel took a turn for the worse and was moved to the PICU. When Ben came to get me later that night because Samuel was not doing well, and Missy needed me I never hesitated to leave my own sick son to be there for my friend. We spent hours talking, crying, and saying our final goodbyes to our precious boy. When Missy couldn't bear the thought of walking out of the hospital without her son, I kissed Alex goodbye and went home with them. Missy and I slept that night in Samuel's bed grieving and loving each other. Just 3 short months later, when Alex was life flighted to the hospital in critical condition and put on a ventilator, Missy put her own grief aside and walked back into the same PICU to help me through the fear of losing my son. Missy and I no longer talk every day, but the friendship formed through those times has shown me what it means to truly be a friend. 

Several years later when I was feeling very alone, I decided to join a mom's bible study at church. I vowed to myself that I was going to be real and authentic and talk through the joys and sorrow with real emotion and not gloss over the hard that comes in life. All these years later, I lead that bible study. Our only rule is to be authentic and share yourself both good and bad. Some of those ladies and I have been in fellowship together for more than 7 years. We are known to laugh so loud we disrupt the church office, but also to cry with one another when someone is struggling. There are always boxes of tissues for the hard days. We have loved each other well and if one of us is struggling, the others are there to support and hold them however they need.

As I have walked through this last year it has been gut wrenching at times. The same fear and isolation has crept back in. The same sense of dread as I plan my days around doctors' appointments and tests. The same bone deep exhaustion that comes from lack of sleep as you try and put aside the medical issues to rest. And the lack of regular connection because illness keeps you from engaging in life as you would like. Once again, I find myself learning which friends will be there through the hard times and which friends aren't cut out for the real that comes when life doesn't go as you hope and plan. It is heartbreaking at times, but I remember those lessons I learned all those years ago. I will continue to open my heart and love with all I am because the friends who are willing to stick it out through the tough days...the bonds that are formed when you walk through the storm together are the ones that matter. Those are the friends who put themselves aside to show up and offer you light and hope in the dark. They are the friends who change your heart and show you Christ like love. 

And so, while this season is hard, I know that through the darkness I will see the light and love of friends who are willing to put aside their own lives to make sure I know I am loved and will be okay and I am so grateful. 

Thank you for your continued prayers and love as I seek answers and healing.

Ali