This year has been a year of healing for not only me , but also for Maddy. When I started this blog 18 years ago, I knew I wanted to be open and real and share the hard and the good, the joys and the sorrow. My prayer has always been that my openness and honesty would touch someone and perhaps my hope and faith in the Lord would make someone else to turn to God when their life doesn't follow the path they expect.
One year ago, Maddy and I were both crushed by the realization that we had placed our love, our trust and our loyalty in someone who chose to use us and toss us aside. I was heartbroken and weary and I saw the same in my precious little girl. And one of the hardest realizations was that our hurt came from a group who profess to be Faith filled, God fearing women and believers. As I started to wrestle with the grief and emotions I quickly also knew that I needed to do some real healing so that I would not be deceived so easily in the future. I also knew I needed some professional therapy so I could work through some long standing issues. I carried with me some deep seeded hurt that had led me to a life of constant people pleasing and a habit of putting absolutely everyone's wants and needs before those of myself and my family. This inability to stand up for what was best for me has led to me being walked all over many times. When I first started working with my therapist Sarah, I was candidly honest about my past, my weaknesses and what I hoped to achieve. I told her over and over that while I wanted to be able to set and uphold boundaries I did not want to change how emotional and sensitive I have always been because while it has led me to be hurt it has also made me kind and empathetic and I didn't ever want to lose that. Sarah and I met every other week and she was AMAZING! I took her advice and her homework to heart and I was rewarded with results that were exactly what I hoped for. In April, Sarah told me that she was so proud of the work I had done and she felt like I had reached a point that we no longer needed standing appointments. But what surprised me the most were the changes I began to see in Maddy.
Part of what had prompted me to seek therapy was I was starting to see some of the same behaviors from Maddy that I had displayed for so many years. I also watched her start to lose her joy and struggle with the heavy burden of expectations, pressure and anxiety that was placed on her in the barn and arena. Over this last year, I have watched Maddy grow and thrive in so many ways. Best of all she is SO happy...we both are. Our new barn has surrounded us with love and acceptance since day one. There is true support and camaraderie and encouragement from a group that truly enjoys each other and put aside competitive jealousy or drama to truly cheer each other on.
The last thing I needed to heal from was my belief in myself. Not only did those women steal our joy and our trust they also made me question my abilities as a mother. So many times in so many ways. I have started to regain some of that, but this trip to Houston offered me a gift I didn't expect. Before we left Dr. Pacheco's appointment she told me she wanted me to look and her and truly hear what she had to say. She told me I have done and continue to do an amazing job as a mother. She said that she treats many very sick kids. Most of her patients have severe chronic health issues. She told me it is rare that they don't have major mental health struggles. She told me my kids are the most balanced kids with chronic illness she treats. I by no means claim to be the best mother or even a great one, but one thing I can say is I have always strived to give my kids the most normal life I can and to make sure they know they are loved. I vowed early on that I would strive to not let their medical conditions or more fears hold them back from chasing dreams and pursuing goals and it is not always easy, but I am watching them live lives I am proud of. Dr. Pacheco had no idea how badly I needed to hear her words, but they meant so much.
Maddy and I did not get here on our own. We have been wrapped in love and kindness and friendship the whole way. There are way to many people to thank to list everyone individually, but there are some who have made a huge impact.
To Mandy- Thank you for making my little girl feel safe, not only riding but more importantly emotionally. With your help I have watched her pursue new goals, push through her fear, but also say when something was too hard. For the first time I haven't had to be her voice. She knows you love her and respect her opinion and that allows her to speak up and say what she truly feels. And thank you for understanding when my thoughts or reactions don't always make sense because you know I am also learning to speak up. I am forever grateful for your belief in a safe social space and creating an environment built on love and true support. Not to mention your amazing daughters who Maddy looks up to and learns from and has so much fun with!
To Jackie- Thank you for a friendship I didn't know I needed or wanted. For continuing to call and text and break through a wall I was scared to let down. For loving me and Maddy so much. You get our sass and our joking and yet you are always there when we need compassion or support too. I love our time and our laughter even if it is often met with some side eye from the kids in the arena. Some of my favorite times this year have been the giggles from the back seat and knowing our kids enjoy the time together as much as we do!
To Kristal- Thank you for being my person. You are the one I can say anything too even when I am crabby and cranky and not nice. You are the one who keeps me sane during the hard times of marriage and motherhood. You are also the one I know will be 100% honest when I ask if I am being too sensitive or need to set boundaries. I love our friendship that is always come as you are with no rules or expectations. When I felt like my world was falling apart last year you were the one who could still make me laugh. And the only thing better is that our girls love each other just as much. Now if Bruce and Ryan would just get on board. I am also grateful for our group at church and all the friends that we have made through that!
To Mariah- 20 years of shared life experiences. You are the only one who gets every aspect of this crazy life we live. From feeding tubes to Mito to immune deficiencies to homeschooling and horses. There is not one thing I have walked through that you don't get. My only wish is that we lived closer and could do life every day. Thank you for always being there whether I need to laugh or cry.
Thank you for walking with us and cheering us on as we do our best to trust God, be kind and always Choose Joy!
Ali
